Something I had to say before I could move on.

Here's the thing...

I cried this morning. 
I cried this morning. alone. in my kitchen.

I am being completely honest when I tell you that I am not political. I tried to avoid this election for a full year before I paid any close attention. (I for one, think there should be laws in place to set limits on the length of the presidential campaigns but that's a different post for a different day.)

Before yesterday I have had the privilege to vote two previous times in my life. I was pretty much a child both of those times. I just assumed that the "grown ups" would pick two honorable candidates that I could choose between and vote for... and for the most part I wasn't let down. However, making that same assumption this year was a very huge mistake and one that I won't ever make again. 

As I drove to the polls yesterday afternoon, I realized honestly for the first time, how truly affected I will be by my choice this year. I realized the weight of being an adult right now in history and how scary that responsibility is. 

You can tell me how naive and ridiculous that is all you want. I am the first to admit I am ashamed that it took me this long to feel that heaviness. 

I looked over at my husband in the car on our drive and the very real possibility that our babies will be born during this coming presidency washed over me. 

I felt panicked. True panic. 

Somehow though I pulled out of it. I prayed a silent prayer for my candidate as I cast my ballot and believed fully that evil would never prevail. 

Later on in the evening, as the polls were coming in, that panic came back and then some. I couldn't go to sleep. I kept my eyes on the screen until the very last word that Trump spoke. Once it was clear that he had won, I needed, absolutely needed!! to hear what he had to say for himself. I needed to pretend just for an instant that he could be a man deserving of this incredible title. 

However, this morning in my kitchen I felt nothing but sadness. I never ever want my child to look up to this man. I am ashamed that our country could look past his disgusting behavior and turn a blind eye. Never as a country or even as consumers of media and tabloids have we ever given someone so much grace and forgiveness for such disgusting behavior. I never ever want my son or daughter to believe that power allows you to disrespect anyone. I never want them to know someone of such stature could spread so much hate and prejudice and still be honored. 

My stance has nothing to do with whether he will fix our economy or help create more jobs.. I hope he does. I hope he succeeds at all the logistics of the job he just signed up for. My stance and my sadness stems solely from the example we just set for our babies and the trouble we will have explaining it to them when we don't even understand it ourselves.