Sunday, October 23, 2016

my toughest relationship

So when I started this blog I really intended to keep a focus on running and healthy living. Running has been a consistent part of my life for about four years and just like with any other relationship it has changed over time. Currently we are having major issues.

Its not really that my brain doesn’t want to run, its that my body has been telling me it needs a break. I have been fighting with myself mentally over this for at least a year. I just don’t want to give it up or maybe I am just scared too.

Honestly alot more of my body hurts than I am willing to admit. I am constantly sore in certain areas and I am just not healing as fast as I used to. Getting old is GREAT.

In my head I think this is absolutely crazy. How could I be so worn down. I am not training at some crazy level. I barely even go out for speed. I am happy with a long slow run. Even just 30 minutes a day, but every muscle in me is telling me otherwise.

It is so hard to learn to listen to your body and yet if we all did, we would be so much healthier and happier.

Your body knows what it wants and what it needs. Just look at any six year old. They know when they want to eat and when to stop. They know when to run around like a maniac and when to pass out. They aren’t stuck inside their heads contemplating their next move. They just tell you what they are going to do. 

Somehow we grow out of this and we start fighting with ourselves. We forget how to listen.

Currently I am writing this from my kitchen table on Sunday morning. I should be just about crossing the finish line in my 14th half marathon and honestly I still thought maybe I would run it 12 hours ago... but finally last night I was able to stop the fight. I haven’t put any training in. I haven’t been able to. I am not making excuses, even though my crazy head feels like I am. Nothing good was going to come from me lacing up my shoes this morning.

Look, even if I would have made it through 13.1 miles, it would have just proved to my crazy self that it is okay to run half marathons with little to no training and I can always get by without putting the work in. I don’t think that is a very wise thing to prove to myself. Putting the miles in and really trying is what used to be so addicting. Being better than I was yesterday is what running has always been about for me and I am not really sure where that mentality of mine escaped to... 

I need to find my mojo again. I need to heal and I need to be proud of my body again. I have been cursing it for too many years and I am tired of the same old mind games. I need to take time to appreciate every ounce of what my body CAN do for me and forgive it for what it CAN’T. 

So let me leave you with this gem …and oh you can bet I will be rereading this quote a few million times today…

“This isn’t about working less or more, necessarily. This isn’t about homemade or takeout, or full time or part time, or the specific ways we choose to live out our days. It’s about rejecting the myth that every day is a new opportunity to prove our worth, and about the truth that our worth is inherent, given by God, not earned by our hustling. It’s about learning to show up and let ourselves be seen just as we are, massively imperfect and weak and wild and flawed in a thousand ways, but still worth loving. It’s about realizing that what makes our lives meaningful is not about what we accomplish, but how deeply and honestly we connect with the people in our lives, how whole we give ourselves to the making of a better world, through kindness and courage.” 

I stole this quote from my favorite running blogger. It is from the book Present Over Perfect. Which I just ordered a few minutes ago :) You should too.


Wednesday, October 12, 2016

The update of all updates

Three years and seven days ago, Jacob and I were 25 years old. We put our very first house on the market and Jake sat down for a few hours and took one of the most important tests of his life, the LSAT.

Now just a few weeks ago he started his very last year of law school and tears just fell from my cheeks on the Monday morning he left to catch the train for the very last FIRST time.

Time is just going too fast. We never imagined it would and yet of course it did.

We moved back home to Illinois from Wisconsin for him to attend the school he REALLY wanted and I changed my whole career path from over eager college grad in a corporate environment to a nanny.

I started this blog mostly because I was inspired by so many others who shared every detail of their life (the good, the bad and the ugly)…AND my passion for running…
but I think the biggest reason was to capture and remember every ounce of this huge leap of faith we took and our new adventure.

I failed.

I don’t really think it is because I lost inspiration but I just think I kind of lost myself. Not really in a bad way, just in a way I can’t really put into words. Transition is hard and wonderful all at the same time and I guess I wasn’t as great at putting it into words as I thought I would be.

To be honest this last year has been rough.

I think the beginning of this journey looked and actually felt glamorous. While my friends were starting to feel the weight of being adults, Jacob and I figured out a way to go back to being kids. We traveled and felt free of adult responsibility…pretty much that whole first year of law school.
Loan money is a dangerous fortune to have and so is the cushion of my in laws' house. We moved in with them the first semester and for the very first time in a LONG time my only real bill was our cell phones. I don’t even feel ashamed. That was pretty freaking fantastic!

The second year of law school we moved out of the ‘rents and had an adorable studio apartment closer to the city (Chicago for those of you who don’t pay attention) and then later that year we knew we needed more room and decided to rent a house farther from the city. A house really helped us feel like grown ups again and I think we probably will stay here until the landlord pulls me out kicking and screaming. Jacob was hired as a clerk at a great law firm close by and is still there today whenever he isn’t at school. Pretty much he is happy as a clam doing exactly what he wants to be doing.

As for me I am a nanny for a new family and although I may one day explain how that came about, today I am just not ready. However I will say I never ever thought that after my last experience I would sign up for the position again, but I can’t even explain how much joy my job brings me now. I really felt a pull to go back and use my college degree after things ended with the previous family, but just when you think you know where you belong God shows you. I had one interview with this family and I knew it was where I belonged.

SO I guess thats where I will end today… If you didn’t already figure it out I am back. Like really back. No maybes this time. I miss this space. I miss connecting with new friends all over this crazy planet and I always knew when the time was right I would be ready to really dedicate myself to this blog and I know that time is now.

I hope for some of you I am an ancient person still left on your blog lovin’ feed and this pops up!! if so!! shoot me a comment! I would love to know you are here reading. I may have disappeared, but if you have a blog I can almost guarantee that I am still reading yours. I promise to get better at comments too... now that I am back in the swing of things :)  

tons of love.

Sunday, September 13, 2015

such a tease

I needed a little extra motivation for my run this morning. I was still laying in bed & I realized I have not written down a single race this year and/or compared my times. How many races have I even done in the last few months???

Oh GAWD...What kind of "runner" am I???

my happiest place
I remember celebrating my tenth half marathon but other than that I have just been running when I can and racing hard when it feels right. 

St. Patty's Day

After thinking about it awhile I opened up 5 million windows to try and find my race results and after all that work the little post-it full of my accomplishments just wasn't going to cut it...

I subconsciously knew that I was going to have to add my runs to this special place. This place I abandoned almost a full year ago! So I recovered my password because god help me if I can ever remember a password to save my life and I tried to figure out how to even edit the race tab.
RUSTY is an understatement.
BUT long story short, my recent races are added.
Now I can resume to being a real "runner" again or whatever that means :)

Last year I kept coming and leaving...blaming everything on changes and not really making writing a priority. I didn't ever want to be that blogger and I felt dumb. Its annoying to read. I may not be a great blogger but I am a pretty great blog reader and I know what I like to read and it sure isn't apology posts about disappearing and deciding to enjoy your life instead of typing about it.

Well maybe its time to come back...A whole year changes you and I would be a different person now but that is usually a good thing. 

SO I will leave you in suspense. Maybe...I am back :)

Friday, October 10, 2014

I am a big fat liar

just don't know what is going on with me. I really do want to come here and let you all know every boring detail of my life ... Talk through my goofy problems ... Share too many pictures and find my rythym again but something is just not clicking. 

It is obvious I lied a few weeks ago when I said I was back in action but it's no secret that I haven't even tried to sit down and write a sentence since than which is silly because we definetly have been busy doing some of my favorite things so I'll give you a quick life update. 

Two weeks ago we spent time up in Door County Wisconsin. It was the best weekend we have had in awhile. The weather was perfect ... The colors were just starting to pop and I had a great ten mile run. I completely undid the hard work by gorging myself with all things pumpkin and yummy but it was worth it. 

Speaking of... I have felt some guilt over a few extra LBS lately and I'm just so sick of feeling that way. I take good care of myself 99 percent of the time but then I really wreck myself on the weekend. It's a really bad cycle that I think most people can relate to. I just want to enjoy myself and find balance so I have been trying to celebrate where I win and notice when I have taken it too far... 

I have also really been trying to let myself have what I want without eating every last morcel and that seems to have kept the binging "I love life" monster at bay for a few weeks now. I really love bethenny frankel's book "naturally thin" and when I need a reality check that's where I go to reread some great advice. I don't really know if I would proclaim to the world that's she is the perfect role model but that book is gold in my opinion. 

This seems like an unnecessary tangent but I guess since we have been so busy filling up our beautiful fall weekends with fun, it's hard to keep my skinny jeans from getting too tight. 

Thank god I run.

&&& thank god the two boys I love most like to now too! Last weekend for my dad's birthday we (the husband and I) bought him a race entry to a fall 5k in a beautiful arboretum by our house in Illinois. My parents came down from Wisconsin and it was great. It was the first 5k I think I actually liked and the thought of doing more has crossed my mind. 

I can't even believe I just typed that. 

For you non runners... I am a distance loving runner... At least for the last few years I have been. 5ks are usually too fast and painful for those of us who need 5 miles before we feel like we love running. But somehow I kinda liked the pain this time around and trying to accomplish some speed goals seemed like a welcomed challenge. I ended 6th in my age group out of a little over 100 which made me pretty happy. Jake and my dad did great too! 

This weekend Jacob and I are camping for the first time ever. For me it's the first time ever in my life! 
We came to an agreement that with all the little trips we like to take on weekends we have still been living on a budget of two adults who work full time... Not two kids who live with their parents and are taking out expensive law school !!! since most of our getaways are outdoorsy anyways we decided it might be a great hobby if we don't kill each other or even more likely I die from irrational fears and flash backs to the Blair witch project. 

Well I am not sure how much of an update this was but I typed something so I'm pressing publish :) 

Have a great weekend pretty people!! 



Friday, September 19, 2014

boo! I am back just in time for pumpkins, boots, & spiked cider.

I can't even believe it has been almost two months since I sat down to write a blog post.

Honestly once Jacob joined me here in Illinois (about the last time I wrote) I just wanted to experience the next month or so without any social media. It wasn't a choice I made on purpose but it happened and I would be lying if I said it wasn't actually a really nice break. I have posted a few things on instagram if you follow (if you don't, you should :) so click here!!) and on my personal facebook.

I really thought with how much transition we were going through it would be great to write it all down and share the good, bad, and the ugly but in reality I just wanted to ride it out quietly.

I have felt like a bit of a hermit. I am sure many of even my close friends are wondering what is going on but about an hour ago I made some pumpkin spice oatmeal, sat down with a perfect cup of coffee, felt the cool breeze blow through our windows and listened to my very-sexy-law-student-husband type away in the next room and realized I think we came through on the other side. So I deemed today the day that our "transition period" has commenced and now it is time for my freaking favorite time of year (all things fall) & I offically think it is okay if I start coming back down from wherever I was & start finding my place back in this little world.

So pick up a pumpkin spice latte, with all its bad for you goodness. 
& let me tell you a few things you missed while I was away. 


Jacob and I celebrated two years of marriage!!! We ended up spending the night out celebrating in the little town I grew up in here in Illinois. They have a very cute downtown and the night really made it seem like life sure does come full circle. Of all the places I have been and lived I find it totally bizarre that Jacob and I spent time walking down my memory lane as a little girl for our anniversary (I hadn't visited the area in yearssss). We even chatted about how we could really picture ourselves there permanently in the future. I am not sure I would have ever thought I would raise my family exactly were I was raised but it sure makes my heart really happy to think about.

But truth be told wherever we call home after this law school experience will be just fine with me as long as I have this guy next to me. I couldn't imagine my life with anyone else.


I ran one of my best half marathons to date. It was my SEVENTH &&& here is something absolutely shocking, it was one of my slowest. That nagging hamstring thing I was complaining about all summer just hasn't gone away. I trained enough for the half but I knew going into it there might be a chance I need to stop or walk a lot of the miles but I went into the morning of the race with the best attitude and SHOCKER it changed the whole day for me. I listened to how my body felt and I took some stretch breaks. I didn't miss one single water stop & I just jammed out andddd enjoyed the beautiful day. It was awesome.

The Madison Mini has been voted really high in the country as one of the best races and I am not surprised. Everything about the race was flawless. Except for the beer...the beer was weird...some bitter crap but it basically finishes in a beer garden so there is plenty to buy instead :)


Speaking of running I guess I should let y'all know that on November 9th I will no longer be running the full marathon. I think my hamstring issue is really my sciatic nerve and it just absolutely cannot take the training. I went out for a 14 mile run by myself the other weekend and I rocked it, very slowly but I rocked it. However mentally I am just not there because I know I am not 100 percent. It was so hard to press the submit button and switch to the half but I know it is the right thing for my body. There is always next year :) Right??? Anyone else have to switch a race before??? were tears involved? or am I just crazy...


I made a completely huge, almost unforgivable blogger mistake. I never celebrated my one year on this little space. It was July 6th & I guess by missing it I have confirmed that I just am not made from the perfect blogger mold. I want to grow this space and learn as much as I can to make it better but at the end of the day it really is just where I come to be honest. I hope that is enough for you to stick around awhile longer :)

I hope y'all had a beautiful end to your summer. I am sure I missed a few important updates but I promise I will be back on the regular so hang tight :)



Thursday, July 24, 2014

Where in the world am I now?

This week you will find us in Texas visiting familia. It was a super last minute decision but those are just the best trips in my staying with family is amazing. 

First, they break out the good stuff even if your arrival isn't until 11 pm on a Tuesday night. 

They are great people. 

My lips are still smiling from the happiness that came in this bottle. 

Then because normal people work all day, we get to lounge around their house being bums and feeling like real kids on summer vacation until they come home and ...

Take us out for some delicious seafood! 

My heart stopped, sang songs and then continued beating again. You are looking at shrimp wrapped in bacon filled with jalapeƱos cheese. 

Try your hardest not to be jealous. 

On a running note ...

When I get back home I need to get serious about mileage and this marathon in Novemeber. Finally being on a low key vacation I have had more time to read up on my different plans of attack via the interwebs and my dusty (breaks my heart) Runner World magazines that made it through our move. I feel a little panicky and behind :( 

Oand refocusing on a clean diet and hydration might be wise too. 

On a previous post I made some goals for 14 days and my two week mark was on Tuesday. I will talk results soon! 

In the meantime have a great Thursday!! I'm headed out the door to run until sweat burns my eyeballs, so probably only a mile or two... It is Texas after all.


Sunday, July 20, 2014

Some thoughts with my coffee on a Sunday

This weekend we are back up north in Door County, WI !!!

For those of you who don't know, it's the most beautiful place on the peninsula or the little finger of the state, situated in Lake Michigan. I grew up coming here and when Jacob decided to deal with me for the rest of his life, he proposed here too. Smart guy:) this place has slowly become a part of us as much as it was a part of my family before him and it makes me so happy. 


We have a huge reason to celebrate this weekend because Friday was Jacob's very last day of work. We are officially a one income couple living with his parents... Oh boy! :) 

My heart swells though when I think of what the future holds for him and the smile he gets just talking about it. School (law school) starts up on august 21st so he has just about a month to relax...

But let's be honest ... I will be his obnoxious BFF dragging him to everything I can and soaking him all up. Jacob has never had a job where second or third shift wasn't part of the deal. I wasn't too clear on that before because I didn't want crazy stalker internet people to know that I was home alone a lot but I can count the number of Tuesday night dinners we have had on one hand in four years. 

Every couple has their struggle and I am sure tons of couples deal with this, but his schedule has put the worse strain on us and our relationships with friends. When Saturday night is the only real evening together it is so hard to give it up to others... Its been hard but now it's all over !!!! &&&& I think unlike other couples we are really super prepared for the demands of law school. Pretty much if I get to see him for thirty minutes on a week night that is more than I ever have :) so I'll take it.

Well anyways back to Door County... I am sitting here in our little cottage feeling the cool breeze of the lake and drinking my coffee and feeling completely overwhelmed by how much I actually love just being here. This place ...the roads and trails and even the buildings and structures have not changed in 26 years. Each milestone of my life has been really celebrated here. From my first step, to my first heart break. I drove for the first time on an abandoned road here and ran my first half marathon. I have memories with every single member of my family (the ones still here and the ones in heaven). I said the most important "yes" of my life on my favorite pier three years ago &&&& I can't help but add this milestone into the mix ... Jacob and I starting all over again and pursuing what some people would really categorize as a huge risk. Sharing that leap and celebrating that here has been exactly what we needed ....oh &&& lots of ice cream, cherry pie and wine :) 

I may still be rather young but it's starting to set in not only how fast everything goes but how often we forget to really taste and enjoy our memories. We forget to stop and celebrate our leaps and our failures. I love Door County for all it's beauty but the reason it is so meaningful to me is it holds all those chapters of my life. I am just really happy that even as an adult the new chapters are still being celebrated here too.

I kinda hope everyone has a place like this.

One last thought this morning!

very wise friend posted this on the Facebook the other day & I couldn't help sharing. 

"Two words. Live boldly. Every single time life offers you a choice that involves greater risk, take it. You will lose on many of them, but when you add them up at the end of your life you will be glad you did." 

Go live boldly this week!!! Xoxo